L鈥檈sprit de l鈥檈scalier (staircase wit) is a French expression for the devastating riposte, the perfect comeback, that occurs to you only after the party is over, on the way up to bed. But I, for one, spent a lot more time sitting in classrooms as a kid than chatting at soirees as an adult, and many of those hours consisted of listening to my teachers鈥� vapid cliches and imperious demands. Of course I was too young to think of, and in any case too powerless to consider offering, the replies that these declarations deserved. But now? Care to join me for a session of l鈥檈sprit de couloir (corridor wit)?
I鈥檓 not talking about simple snark, even if it does afford a certain measure of satisfaction. In response to 鈥淲here do you think you鈥檙e going, young man?鈥� we might have said, 鈥淲ell, I鈥檓 fairly sure I鈥檓 going to the bathroom. Why? Where do you think I鈥檓 going?鈥� Or, to the teacher who barked, 鈥淭ake your feet off that desk! Is that the way you treat your furniture at home?鈥� we could have replied, 鈥淗eck, no! That鈥檚 why I come to school.鈥�
But those are merely snappy answers to stupid questions that just happened to take place in a classroom. What interests me are the overused and underthought pronouncements that reflected truly reactionary views of education and children. The fact that they were often delivered in a tone of smug self-satisfaction just enhances the pleasure of imagining what our replies might have been. Oh, for a time machine ...
A lot of us are less interested in learning鈥攁nd therefore won't do as well鈥攑recisely because you've made it all about grades. Hey, I guess you could say you earned our lack of motivation."
I need all eyes on me, please!
Mrs. __________, I appreciate your honesty in admitting that your periodic requests to look at you are really about what you need. Obviously it isn鈥檛 necessary to look at you in order to hear what you鈥檙e saying. More important, neither looking nor listening is the same as learning. In fact, real learning is more likely to happen when we students are doing most of the talking. But, hey, if your need for attention is so pressing, I鈥檇 be glad to stare at you some more.
To late-arriving student: How nice of you to join us!
Nice has nothing to do with it. I鈥檓 required by law to be here. Of course, I realize you鈥檙e being sarcastic, which, come to think of it, isn鈥檛 a very 鈥渘ice鈥� way to treat people, is it?
You need to be making wiser choices in here.
Is it my imagination, or do all your examples of 鈥渨ise choices鈥� turn out to involve nothing more than mindless obedience? Is that really your idea of wisdom?
Eyes on your own paper! I want to see what you can do, not what your neighbor can do!
In other words, you want to see what happens when I鈥檓 deprived of the resources and social support that characterize most well-functioning real-world environments, rather than seeing how much more my 鈥渘eighbors鈥� and I could accomplish together? Why?
Would you like to share what you were saying to her with the rest of us?
I appreciate the invitation, but no: If I had meant to tell the whole class, I would have done so. Or are you saying you believe that private communication isn鈥檛 legitimate?
I didn鈥檛 give you that grade; you earned it!
Hmm. How do you figure? It wasn鈥檛 my idea to view learning as something to be done in exchange for a grade instead of something worth doing for its own sake. And the exchange rate鈥攈ow many hoops I have to jump through for a B versus an A鈥攚as also decided by you. But by pretending the results are solely a function of my effort, you can avoid taking responsibility for the game you created or for the way you teach. Worse, you鈥檝e set things up so you can blame any kid to whom you give a bad grade, since it鈥檒l appear to be all his fault. You know, it鈥檚 ironic: A lot of us are less interested in learning鈥攁nd therefore won鈥檛 do as well鈥攑recisely because you鈥檝e made it all about grades. Hey, I guess you could say you earned our lack of motivation!
To student who asks for a pencil: A craftsman doesn鈥檛 come to work without his tools.
True. But a craftsman has the opportunity to create something meaningful, as opposed to filling out worksheets or copying down what someone else tells him.
Did you bring enough for everyone?
Wait, are you saying that if I walked in here with a giant bag of candy or gum, you鈥檇 be OK with my passing it around to all the other kids? Come to think of it, are you going to start applying this principle to yourself: 鈥淣o coffee for me unless I buy enough for the entire faculty鈥�? And will your collectivist philosophy apply to learning and assessment, too, so that no one is regarded as successful in here until everyone understands a concept?
Why haven鈥檛 you done your homework?
Gosh, I hardly know where to start! Maybe because you didn鈥檛 even come up with the assignment yourself; you just photocopied it from a workbook, so I figured if you weren鈥檛 willing to put time into it, why should I? Or because if I already knew how to do the homework, it would have been a waste of time, and if I didn鈥檛 know how to do it, it probably wouldn鈥檛 help? Because six hours a day of this kind of stuff is enough, and I want my life to be about more than academics? (Don鈥檛 you?) Because I want to hold on to my curiosity about the world for as long as I can, and your assignments are teaching me to detest learning? Is that enough, or should I go on?
Be on your best behavior today, boys and girls!
Really? Again? Isn鈥檛 it a little unrealistic to expect people to do their 鈥渂est鈥� as often as you ask us to? And if you鈥檙e suggesting that less-than-best is good enough for certain occasions, could you tell us which ones鈥攁nd what percentage of our best is sufficient? Also, what exactly does 鈥渂est behavior鈥� mean? Are you asking us to be ethical people, or just to be docile and compliant?
Take everything off your desks except a pencil.
Wait a minute. If you鈥檙e giving us a test, but forcing us to put away our books and notes, then you鈥檇 mostly be assessing rote recall. Surely you鈥檙e more interested in knowing our capacity for thinking than how much stuff we鈥檝e crammed into short-term memory, aren鈥檛 you?
You鈥檙e just not living up to your potential.
Potential for what? We all have the potential to do things that we either shouldn鈥檛 do or have no compelling reason to do, right? I鈥檓 guessing that you, for example, haven鈥檛 鈥渓ived up to your potential鈥� for collecting model trains or making obscene phone calls. What you really seem to be saying is that I don鈥檛 happen to share your priorities. So maybe we should talk a bit about the kinds of activities each of us finds worthwhile, and why. By the way, if your teaching really engaged us kids, I鈥檒l bet we鈥檇 dive in happily and want to get better at doing it, without any of your prompting or reprimands.
